Monday, April 16, 2012

A Catfish Big Enough to Take a Baby

First thing. When my son said he wanted to have some kids over from the Drama Club, I assumed he meant like 6 or 7. No. He did not.
30 children have taken over my home. And graffiti has taken over the walls of my basement. My husband and I tried to leave. Just to grab a movie. But my son grabbed my arm and told me it was "unsafe for us both to go." Bloody hell. Who are these people?

So, instead we escaped to our bedroom to watch whatever might be on TV. It happened to be River Monsters, a dumb-ass, unrealistic, ridiculous, effing show which my husband watches with such hope and enthusiasm that you'd think it would somehow complete his life in some capacity for them to find one...

Can we talk about this for a minute? They have NEVER found an unidentified river monster.

My husband likes to declare that they have found a few -so do my son's- but guess what? No - they have not. A large sting ray and a giant catfish are not river monsters. They are a large sting ray and a giant catfish.

So, I like to make it a point to jump up in bed every so often and yell "Guess what?!?" And then slam myself back into my lying position and calmly reply, "They don't find the river monster in this episode." Because there is no river monster in any episode. Ever. Then my husband gets this disappointed look on his face as if I've crushed all  his hopes and dreams and he's been waiting his whole life to capture the river monster and I've just ruined it.

To make things worse the "explorer, biologist, fisherman, host" (his words, not mine) sounds like a mix between Simon Cowell and the creepy man from Forensic Files. And he says things like, and I quote, "A river monster of this size is capable of taking a baby." Taking a baby? Taking it where and what does that even mean? Is it killing the baby? Taking it for a swim? Maybe it's handing it over to the river god. Because he goes on to say, "This could be the river god that spills out the river spirit, the beast behind the power of this river."

I don't even...I cannot...please make the show be over.

P.S. My son is incredibly angry about this post. He yelled, "You can't talk bad about the show!" - Yes. I can. Then he read a little further. "Mom, you don't even understand the show." - That because it's idiotic. And then "Mooooom- they HAVE found a river monster!" - Yes....I've heard.

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