1. I don't wear underwear and I don't wear make-up. There are general exceptions to these rules. But on most days this is true. My children are disturbed by the first, and wish greatly that I'd reconsider the second. (They also wish I'd reconsider the first.)
2. I REFUSE to eat at a buffet. And honestly, I don't understand why anyone else would eat there. They are cesspools filled with nasty bacteria and children's boogers. And guess what U. S. of A.? It's why we're fat. All You Can Eat is a slogan, not a rule to live by. It's gross.
3. My cousin and I had a dream of being great Dumpster Divers. (Yes, I realize this contradicts the whole bacteria at the buffets rant. I don't have an explanation - it wasn't well thought out.) We were going to jump in the dumpster in the middle of the night, keep what we wanted and sell the rest. Except, the first night we went it was freezing rain, and I stuck my hand in an unidentifiable substance and lifted it up to show her and she thought I was giving her high-five and smacked my slimy hand. And that was it. Done. (We did find a great pair of scissors still in the wrapper and I think we also brought home a broken office phone.)
4. According to my husband, and I hesitate to put this on here, I occasionally yell Yahtzee in my sleep. I only know of one time when this actually happened and that's because I sat straight up in bed and yelled it, and it woke me up. The other times are alleged.
5. When my daughter was 1-yr-old I bit her finger. Hard. She was in bed with me and I was dreaming that my brother and his best-friend were messing with me while I was napping on the couch. So, I waited until the string they were dangling in my face touched me again, and I bit down as hard as I could. Only it wasn't a string. It was my 1-yr-old's finger. And she screamed. And I cried. Which brings me to number 6.
6. I very rarely cry. I have a missing sympathy gene. I mean, if something is really really sad, then ok. But probably not even then. I'm not proud of it. But I do love a lot. I mean if someone messed with my kids I'd stick my foot so far up their ass they'd be shitting toes for a week. That is love.
7. On my wedding day I wanted an ice sculpture. So, my dad went to the local rental outfit and picked up a plastic sculpture mold. Only, he forgot to freeze it. So, in the middle of the reception, right there on the table, was a plastic mold filled with water. Swear. (This is the same man wearing the mauve pants in my previous posts.) And by the way, the cake also had the wrong initials on it. What a high class affair.
8. I am addicted to diet coke. And by addicted, I mean, I shake like a heroine addict if I don't have it.
9. When my son was five we thought he had a mental disorder because he would cry and say he heard voices in his head. Finally, I asked what the voices were saying and he sobbed, "run fat ass, run!" And like an open-handed slap in the face, I realized that having him watch the movie Stand By Me at the age of five wasn't my best choice. He thought the movie was real. Let this be a lesson to you. Parental Guidance is suggested and strongly encouraged.
10. I once left my 7 and 8-year-old at a high-school gym. When I was leaving the parking lot my friend pulled up beside me and said, "Do you have your boys?" I freaked and ran back into the gym... Where they were blankly staring at me while holding onto a janitors hand.
Now you sit down and write a list of the things people don't know about you. Reading back through mine, I feel like a winner. I real live winner.
